And They Lived (Mostly) Happily Ever After

My husband and I celebrated our 13 year wedding anniversary this past June. We married June 6, 1998. Over all we have had a great marriage. I am really blessed, but even though I am married to a great man NO marriage is without it's problems. I think marriage and the whole nature of what it is means that there will be some difficulties. Think about it you are taking two separate individuals who decide to come together and create a unified life, The two become one.

One of the challenges that plagues my husband and I is the fact that we are COMPLETE opposites personality wise.  He is a mans man and I am a girly woman. He loves theme parks, bowling, trying different restaurants, and I love theater, plays, museums, romance flicks. I am very affectionate, he is NOT. He loves routine, I like to shake things up. So how do two TOTAL complete opposites make it work. Well for one we are unified in the things that matter most. Things like our Faith and beliefs about God, how we want to raise our children, and career goals. Those are the things that really matter where if we differed we would have some major issues. Secondly, we realized that we two individuals have to come together and make ONE NEW MAN.  We don't fully know what that NEW Man will look like but we are having a blast creating him. He is a combination of both my husband and I. I am committed to remain open to getting to know his world and try new things and he does the same for me. Doing that has made a huge difference in our relationship. Prior to doing this how we interacted with each other was greatly affected by our differences.  Once we realized that was a problem we both through communication and understanding realized we had to create a relationship where BOTH parties personalities are reflected and thrive. Now I can happily say that he is open to do things I like and I am open to do things he likes. We also both have committed to try NEW things that neither of us would normally do.

                               (John and I at Maggiano's on our Anniversary)

Keep in mind no marriage is perfect because it has two imperfect people involved, but you have to learn to focus on your partner's strengths. Actually take the time to ENJOY the things about him that you love. FOCUS on those. Many people miss out on enjoying their spouse because they spend so much time focused on what they don't like. He may not be affectionate, but maybe he loves to shower you with great gifts. He may not be as in to the word as you would want, but he is a great father. You may not be able to be a real housewife of Atlanta :-), but he loves to cook and will clean the house. Focus on the positives about your husband and you will see You two can live Mostly Happily Ever After. :-)

My husband and I celebrated our 13 year wedding anniversary this past June. We married June 6, 1998. Over all we have had a great marriage. I am really blessed, but even though I am married to a great man NO marriage is without it's problems. I think marriage and the whole nature of what it is means that there will be some difficulties. Think about it you are taking two separate individuals who decide to come together and create a unified life, The two become one.

One of the challenges that plagues my husband and I is the fact that we are COMPLETE opposites personality wise.  He is a mans man and I am a girly woman. He loves theme parks, bowling, trying different restaurants, and I love theater, plays, museums, romance flicks. I am very affectionate, he is NOT. He loves routine, I like to shake things up. So how do two TOTAL complete opposites make it work. Well for one we are unified in the things that matter most. Things like our Faith and beliefs about God, how we want to raise our children, and career goals. Those are the things that really matter where if we differed we would have some major issues. Secondly, we realized that we two individuals have to come together and make ONE NEW MAN.  We don't fully know what that NEW Man will look like but we are having a blast creating him. He is a combination of both my husband and I. I am committed to remain open to getting to know his world and try new things and he does the same for me. Doing that has made a huge difference in our relationship. Prior to doing this how we interacted with each other was greatly affected by our differences.  Once we realized that was a problem we both through communication and understanding realized we had to create a relationship where BOTH parties personalities are reflected and thrive. Now I can happily say that he is open to do things I like and I am open to do things he likes. We also both have committed to try NEW things that neither of us would normally do.

                               (John and I at Maggiano's on our Anniversary)

Keep in mind no marriage is perfect because it has two imperfect people involved, but you have to learn to focus on your partner's strengths. Actually take the time to ENJOY the things about him that you love. FOCUS on those. Many people miss out on enjoying their spouse because they spend so much time focused on what they don't like. He may not be affectionate, but maybe he loves to shower you with great gifts. He may not be as in to the word as you would want, but he is a great father. You may not be able to be a real housewife of Atlanta :-), but he loves to cook and will clean the house. Focus on the positives about your husband and you will see You two can live Mostly Happily Ever After. :-)

No my post is NOT about you but if the shoe fits wear it. ;-)

I saw a link on Facebook yesterday that said "No my status is not about you but if the shoe fits feel free to wear it". It had almost 500,000 likes. If you frequent twitter or Facebook I am sure you have either fallen into the category of thinking someones post was about you or had someone think YOU posted about them. I did a blog a few months back called "when you Assume you make a....out of you and me". This was one of my post popular blogs probably because so many people have been bit by assumptions.

Assuming is dangerous for many reasons but here are three. First, many times people respond or make decisions that can alter relationships based off assumptions with NO proof.  Sadly, there are some actions and words that can not be taken back. Secondly, assuming is a sign of pride. Think about it YOU think someone is talking about you... why? Are you the only person they know with this issue? Are you so important that you are the subject of all their conversation? There are so many reasons why a person could have said what they said that may not involve you. Pride says, "Oh they are talking about me". Lastly, assuming causes you to make emotional decisions and most decisions made out of emotions will be the wrong decision. Your head isn't clear to think properly. Take my advice JUST DON'T ASSUME :-). If you think something or wonder something go to the source.

Also, if you have an issue with someone on your page, don't post about it on Facebook.  I know we like to vent on Facebook but don't vent about people who are on your page, LOL :-). If you have something to say to a specific person say it to THAT person with a motive to restore peace. Consider this when YOU post about people on your page you will drive YOURSELF crazy thinking people's post are about you. Why... because most often people think others do what THEY themselves would do. So if you know you post about others you will think others are posting about you. Facebook is a great social outlet to keep you connected to family, friends, and associates, but it is not the avenue to have arguments with people. When used like that it becomes place of gossip and strife. That's when you get this silliness of people cussing each other out, gossiping about others and ending friendships/relationships over Facebook. I know we live in nosey, reality TV, crazed society but your personal affairs should not be aired out to the world. :-).

Enjoy the rest of your day,
EBONI

I saw a link on Facebook yesterday that said "No my status is not about you but if the shoe fits feel free to wear it". It had almost 500,000 likes. If you frequent twitter or Facebook I am sure you have either fallen into the category of thinking someones post was about you or had someone think YOU posted about them. I did a blog a few months back called "when you Assume you make a....out of you and me". This was one of my post popular blogs probably because so many people have been bit by assumptions.

Assuming is dangerous for many reasons but here are three. First, many times people respond or make decisions that can alter relationships based off assumptions with NO proof.  Sadly, there are some actions and words that can not be taken back. Secondly, assuming is a sign of pride. Think about it YOU think someone is talking about you... why? Are you the only person they know with this issue? Are you so important that you are the subject of all their conversation? There are so many reasons why a person could have said what they said that may not involve you. Pride says, "Oh they are talking about me". Lastly, assuming causes you to make emotional decisions and most decisions made out of emotions will be the wrong decision. Your head isn't clear to think properly. Take my advice JUST DON'T ASSUME :-). If you think something or wonder something go to the source.

Also, if you have an issue with someone on your page, don't post about it on Facebook.  I know we like to vent on Facebook but don't vent about people who are on your page, LOL :-). If you have something to say to a specific person say it to THAT person with a motive to restore peace. Consider this when YOU post about people on your page you will drive YOURSELF crazy thinking people's post are about you. Why... because most often people think others do what THEY themselves would do. So if you know you post about others you will think others are posting about you. Facebook is a great social outlet to keep you connected to family, friends, and associates, but it is not the avenue to have arguments with people. When used like that it becomes place of gossip and strife. That's when you get this silliness of people cussing each other out, gossiping about others and ending friendships/relationships over Facebook. I know we live in nosey, reality TV, crazed society but your personal affairs should not be aired out to the world. :-).

Enjoy the rest of your day,
EBONI

Smiling Through The Tears

There is one plus that I think comes from reality shows. The ability to see yourself from a different view. I sometimes watch reality shows and judge the women as IF I myself don't act like that at times. I am realizing (humble pie time) that I have some of the same issues as the women on these shows, I just don't have cameras following me around recording me :-).  Seriously, I wish that I could have a tape that I could play back and actually SEE myself in different situations. I am finding that how the situation went in my head is not always how it actually went. We as society judge these women but really are they that much different than we are. I mean, I may not cuss and fight but the core of what is causing them to act out is emotion, self preservation, love, passion, fear, anger, and at some point I feel all of those things.

At my church my husband (Pastor John Davis) is in the middle of a series of teachings called "The Lie" and "Possessing The Land" that are causing me to realize some tough things about myself. The biggest being I am to alive to what I think, and what I want. I am to attached to MY perspective and perspectives that differ from mine I consider WRONG. I see the world as black and white, right and wrong. What is wrong with that is many times what is black and white, right and wrong are often times SUBJECTIVE. That is what lead me to box people in. I am in a good place right now. I am loving this teaching because it's causing me to see ME. That is what spawned the "yes month". I cried alot today, but now I am smiling through the tears. Sometimes you have to face tough things about yourself and eat alot of humble pie, but it's all for your good. What is even better is I recently realized these things about myself but GOD has known all along and loved me no less. My husband, family and friends have known too and loved me no less. For that I am eternally grateful ;-) THANK GOD FOR GRACE!

For more info on our church or to hear some of the teachings that are making such a difference in my life, visit http://www.totalvictoryexperience.com/ or check out our youtube channel, The TotalVictoryExperience.

There is one plus that I think comes from reality shows. The ability to see yourself from a different view. I sometimes watch reality shows and judge the women as IF I myself don't act like that at times. I am realizing (humble pie time) that I have some of the same issues as the women on these shows, I just don't have cameras following me around recording me :-).  Seriously, I wish that I could have a tape that I could play back and actually SEE myself in different situations. I am finding that how the situation went in my head is not always how it actually went. We as society judge these women but really are they that much different than we are. I mean, I may not cuss and fight but the core of what is causing them to act out is emotion, self preservation, love, passion, fear, anger, and at some point I feel all of those things.

At my church my husband (Pastor John Davis) is in the middle of a series of teachings called "The Lie" and "Possessing The Land" that are causing me to realize some tough things about myself. The biggest being I am to alive to what I think, and what I want. I am to attached to MY perspective and perspectives that differ from mine I consider WRONG. I see the world as black and white, right and wrong. What is wrong with that is many times what is black and white, right and wrong are often times SUBJECTIVE. That is what lead me to box people in. I am in a good place right now. I am loving this teaching because it's causing me to see ME. That is what spawned the "yes month". I cried alot today, but now I am smiling through the tears. Sometimes you have to face tough things about yourself and eat alot of humble pie, but it's all for your good. What is even better is I recently realized these things about myself but GOD has known all along and loved me no less. My husband, family and friends have known too and loved me no less. For that I am eternally grateful ;-) THANK GOD FOR GRACE!

For more info on our church or to hear some of the teachings that are making such a difference in my life, visit http://www.totalvictoryexperience.com/ or check out our youtube channel, The TotalVictoryExperience.

Experience #1 of Just Say Yes :-)

Yesterday I had the first experience of what I call "Just Say Yes Month". I blogged about it in an earlier blog so refer to the blog entitled "Just Say Yes". My son asked if we could go to the movies as a family. Normally I don't do kid movies. I find them boring and I don't enjoy them SO I never took them to the movies. I let their grandmother and God- Mother take them, but my son told me he wanted to see Kung Fu Panda and a friend of the family offered to take him and my daughter, but he asked if we could go as a family and I said ......YES! So we went to the movies and saw it in 3D. It was actually good. I really allowed myself to get into it and enjoy it and I have to tell you seeing a big fat Panda do Kung FU, and do it well might I add, was kind of cool. I even laughed at some of the jokes. So I was not disappointed in the movie but the biggest joy and best part of the experience was seeing my kids. My daughter sat next to my husband and My son sat next to me. They were so happy to have both parents at a movie with them. They really enjoyed it and therefore I really enjoyed it. So my days of saying no to all kid movies are over. My kids are 7 and 8 and I have only gone to 1 movie with them. THEY have gone to lots of movies but not with me. So day 2 of the "JUST SAY YES" experiment was a complete success. :)

Yesterday I had the first experience of what I call "Just Say Yes Month". I blogged about it in an earlier blog so refer to the blog entitled "Just Say Yes". My son asked if we could go to the movies as a family. Normally I don't do kid movies. I find them boring and I don't enjoy them SO I never took them to the movies. I let their grandmother and God- Mother take them, but my son told me he wanted to see Kung Fu Panda and a friend of the family offered to take him and my daughter, but he asked if we could go as a family and I said ......YES! So we went to the movies and saw it in 3D. It was actually good. I really allowed myself to get into it and enjoy it and I have to tell you seeing a big fat Panda do Kung FU, and do it well might I add, was kind of cool. I even laughed at some of the jokes. So I was not disappointed in the movie but the biggest joy and best part of the experience was seeing my kids. My daughter sat next to my husband and My son sat next to me. They were so happy to have both parents at a movie with them. They really enjoyed it and therefore I really enjoyed it. So my days of saying no to all kid movies are over. My kids are 7 and 8 and I have only gone to 1 movie with them. THEY have gone to lots of movies but not with me. So day 2 of the "JUST SAY YES" experiment was a complete success. :)

JUST SAY YES!

Well, I decided to borrow the idea from the Movie "Yes Man" and say YES to everything for a month. I say no to so many things and close myself off from a lot of different experiences, not sure why, no real reason. I guess you get so set in life and routine that you get STUCK there, but I want to shake things up a bit and see where it takes me. I used to be a very rigid person, rigid and set in my ways; and if you didn't fit into my box then you were not on my radar. Thank God for Grace. Since learning about GRACE I find that I am not as judgemental and close minded as I used to be. The world is a big place with so many different people and everyone has a story. Who am I to judge and discredit people because they don't fit into my box. So for the next month I plan to JUST SAY YES. If a friend ask me to go to a Thai restaurant my answer will be yes, if the kids ask to come play kickball as opposed to doing another load of laundry yes, try a new genre of movies, yes...I may even go see Thor with my husband and son instead of the next romance flick. You get the point, my plan is to say yes to everything especially things that I would normally say no to and see where it takes me. :-) I will definitely blog about it so stay tuned.
ILUVMESUMU,

Foreverforgiven1 

Well, I decided to borrow the idea from the Movie "Yes Man" and say YES to everything for a month. I say no to so many things and close myself off from a lot of different experiences, not sure why, no real reason. I guess you get so set in life and routine that you get STUCK there, but I want to shake things up a bit and see where it takes me. I used to be a very rigid person, rigid and set in my ways; and if you didn't fit into my box then you were not on my radar. Thank God for Grace. Since learning about GRACE I find that I am not as judgemental and close minded as I used to be. The world is a big place with so many different people and everyone has a story. Who am I to judge and discredit people because they don't fit into my box. So for the next month I plan to JUST SAY YES. If a friend ask me to go to a Thai restaurant my answer will be yes, if the kids ask to come play kickball as opposed to doing another load of laundry yes, try a new genre of movies, yes...I may even go see Thor with my husband and son instead of the next romance flick. You get the point, my plan is to say yes to everything especially things that I would normally say no to and see where it takes me. :-) I will definitely blog about it so stay tuned.
ILUVMESUMU,

Foreverforgiven1 

Are ALL women catty?

Yes ladies I am going there..... because as women we have this stereotype that follows us that we are all catty. I hear far to often when talking to women about friendships and their lack thereof what I call the famous line of women..."I don't have female friends because women are catty or women keep up to much mess" The thought that always comes to my mind is....aren't YOU a woman so does that mean you are catty and keep up mess? It's funny how we are classic for pointing the finger at others but unwilling to see the part that WE play in why women have such difficult times getting along. I believe the problem is that as women we are emotional and to often lead by what we feel. When led by feelings the focus is always on SELF.

One of the things I have learned when issues come up between me and another woman is....try and see the situation through her eyes. Forgiveness flows where there is understanding. This may sound simple but it makes a huge difference. This small gesture is a natural buffer against you and OFFENSE. It defuses situations naturally. A lot of the things that women argue over are easily fixable if we would try and see the situation through her eyes. Seeing it through her eyes detaches you from how you feel, gets the focus off of you, and allows you to see the full picture. As women we are very in touch with our feelings and how things make us feel, and many times our feelings will become our reality. They AREN'T reality but they are OUR reality. What we have to remember is emotions aren't fact they are just feelings trying to get you to move in a certain direction . Just because it FEELS real doesn't necessarily make it so. Pausing to see the situation through the other person's eyes helps you weed through the emotions of the situation and get to the root of what's really going on; taking account of both people's perspectives.


MANY of the catty arguments and fall outs we have with women on our job, in our churches, and other areas of our lives are small and EASILY fixable. The reason men don't argue and bicker like women is because they don't internalize everything emotionally. Only thinking about yourself in a situation and how YOU feel is why women have such a hard time getting along. We are to touchy and easily offended. That's why we have so many little issues that become mountains. I say this all the time, a "NENE" type personality works on TV but in real life, all that drama is toxic.

Smooches Lovely People :-),
Foreverforgiven1

Yes ladies I am going there..... because as women we have this stereotype that follows us that we are all catty. I hear far to often when talking to women about friendships and their lack thereof what I call the famous line of women..."I don't have female friends because women are catty or women keep up to much mess" The thought that always comes to my mind is....aren't YOU a woman so does that mean you are catty and keep up mess? It's funny how we are classic for pointing the finger at others but unwilling to see the part that WE play in why women have such difficult times getting along. I believe the problem is that as women we are emotional and to often lead by what we feel. When led by feelings the focus is always on SELF.

One of the things I have learned when issues come up between me and another woman is....try and see the situation through her eyes. Forgiveness flows where there is understanding. This may sound simple but it makes a huge difference. This small gesture is a natural buffer against you and OFFENSE. It defuses situations naturally. A lot of the things that women argue over are easily fixable if we would try and see the situation through her eyes. Seeing it through her eyes detaches you from how you feel, gets the focus off of you, and allows you to see the full picture. As women we are very in touch with our feelings and how things make us feel, and many times our feelings will become our reality. They AREN'T reality but they are OUR reality. What we have to remember is emotions aren't fact they are just feelings trying to get you to move in a certain direction . Just because it FEELS real doesn't necessarily make it so. Pausing to see the situation through the other person's eyes helps you weed through the emotions of the situation and get to the root of what's really going on; taking account of both people's perspectives.


MANY of the catty arguments and fall outs we have with women on our job, in our churches, and other areas of our lives are small and EASILY fixable. The reason men don't argue and bicker like women is because they don't internalize everything emotionally. Only thinking about yourself in a situation and how YOU feel is why women have such a hard time getting along. We are to touchy and easily offended. That's why we have so many little issues that become mountains. I say this all the time, a "NENE" type personality works on TV but in real life, all that drama is toxic.

Smooches Lovely People :-),
Foreverforgiven1

When You Assume you make an ....out of You and Me :-)

There is a saying "when you ASSUME you make an .... out of U and ME. It is a play on words but actually very true. When I started this blog I said my purpose was to allow others access into the things God has taught me as I am on the Journey of Life in Christ. One of the things that I have learned that I think would really help women is NOT to assume. I have found in my own personal life that it is best not to assume what a person feels, or why they feel a certain way, or to supply the why behind a person's action. There are 2 things wrong with assuming.

One, when you assume you always assume based on YOUR thoughts and how YOU would act. The problem with this train of thought is everyone is not like you. This is a lesson that I have learned and realized about myself through a dear friend of mine. He helped me to see that everyone doesn't fit in my little box. The world is a big place with all different kinds of people and I can't assume everyone thinks like me or would handle a situation how I would. Here is another BIG lesson I have learned....I also can't JUDGE or get upset with a person because they don't handle something how I think they should.

The second thing wrong with assuming is..... it places a judgement on a person and we aren't God so we only see in part. When we assume we ascribe a MOTIVE to someones actions and we really don't know a person's heart. We can't judge a person based on what WE perceive. They have a whole life outside of us and there are so many other reasons why they could have said what they said or done what they did that actually DON'T involve us.

Listen, here is what I know about the devil. He loves to keep strife and division among the brethren. He loves to see you fighting with your family members, church members, co-workers, people you know. He loves division and disorder, and a person's mind who assumes things is a playground for the enemy. I don't live my life like that. It is to stressful. I can't live wondering where my husband is, assuming he is doing this or that because he walked out the room to have a telephone conversation; or assuming this person was talking about me because of a post on Face Book, or even assuming I know WHY someone posted what they posted. Assuming this group of people doesn't like me because when I walked in the room they stopped talking. Assuming the Pastor is preaching on me because he said something in the message that hit home in my life. People that is exhausting and draining and it makes for a very unhappy life.

So what has God taught me? To go to the source. I am not saying ignore everything because that is not wise but I am saying before you allow your mind to run wild with assumptions just GO to the person and ask. Give people the benefit of the doubt. It is always better to just go to a person and ask. Ladies especially with men. Assuming is a HUGE pet peeve of men. When you treat them like you are the judge and jury without giving them a chance to explain. Trust me on this learning this will keep down so many arguments in your relationship. Give them an opportunity to explain before you jump the gun in your thinking. You will have a lot more peace if you learn this lesson. GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

Isn't that an attribute of love anyway?   LOVE ......thinks no evil;  does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor 13:5-7 (emphasis added)
Love BELIEVES the BEST about people. We shouldn't always assume the worst about people. It's not fair to them. Adapting these priciples won't keep you from ever experienceing strife with people BUT it will keep strife out of YOUR heart and mind. You are only responsible for you and you don't want to live like that.

Smooches lovely people,
Foreverforgiven1
http://www.totalvictoryexperience.com/

There is a saying "when you ASSUME you make an .... out of U and ME. It is a play on words but actually very true. When I started this blog I said my purpose was to allow others access into the things God has taught me as I am on the Journey of Life in Christ. One of the things that I have learned that I think would really help women is NOT to assume. I have found in my own personal life that it is best not to assume what a person feels, or why they feel a certain way, or to supply the why behind a person's action. There are 2 things wrong with assuming.

One, when you assume you always assume based on YOUR thoughts and how YOU would act. The problem with this train of thought is everyone is not like you. This is a lesson that I have learned and realized about myself through a dear friend of mine. He helped me to see that everyone doesn't fit in my little box. The world is a big place with all different kinds of people and I can't assume everyone thinks like me or would handle a situation how I would. Here is another BIG lesson I have learned....I also can't JUDGE or get upset with a person because they don't handle something how I think they should.

The second thing wrong with assuming is..... it places a judgement on a person and we aren't God so we only see in part. When we assume we ascribe a MOTIVE to someones actions and we really don't know a person's heart. We can't judge a person based on what WE perceive. They have a whole life outside of us and there are so many other reasons why they could have said what they said or done what they did that actually DON'T involve us.

Listen, here is what I know about the devil. He loves to keep strife and division among the brethren. He loves to see you fighting with your family members, church members, co-workers, people you know. He loves division and disorder, and a person's mind who assumes things is a playground for the enemy. I don't live my life like that. It is to stressful. I can't live wondering where my husband is, assuming he is doing this or that because he walked out the room to have a telephone conversation; or assuming this person was talking about me because of a post on Face Book, or even assuming I know WHY someone posted what they posted. Assuming this group of people doesn't like me because when I walked in the room they stopped talking. Assuming the Pastor is preaching on me because he said something in the message that hit home in my life. People that is exhausting and draining and it makes for a very unhappy life.

So what has God taught me? To go to the source. I am not saying ignore everything because that is not wise but I am saying before you allow your mind to run wild with assumptions just GO to the person and ask. Give people the benefit of the doubt. It is always better to just go to a person and ask. Ladies especially with men. Assuming is a HUGE pet peeve of men. When you treat them like you are the judge and jury without giving them a chance to explain. Trust me on this learning this will keep down so many arguments in your relationship. Give them an opportunity to explain before you jump the gun in your thinking. You will have a lot more peace if you learn this lesson. GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

Isn't that an attribute of love anyway?   LOVE ......thinks no evil;  does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1Cor 13:5-7 (emphasis added)
Love BELIEVES the BEST about people. We shouldn't always assume the worst about people. It's not fair to them. Adapting these priciples won't keep you from ever experienceing strife with people BUT it will keep strife out of YOUR heart and mind. You are only responsible for you and you don't want to live like that.

Smooches lovely people,
Foreverforgiven1
http://www.totalvictoryexperience.com/